killbam.net

I hate it when applying to colleges and jobs that people offer encouragements like, “What’s the worst that can happen?” and “You have nothing to lose,” making the assumption that the entry fee (or ante, or tryout fee) is zero.

The entry fee is not zero! Okay yes, you have to spend a little bit of money to apply for colleges and some time crafting an essay or resume, but I think the real cost is the one you pay with your emotions. You’re putting your heart on the line, willing to be judge, hoping that you won’t be told “No, you are not good enough.” Just because it’s hard to measure the damage to your self-esteem doesn’t mean that it’s not signifcant or important.

I recently started a long process for an independent study for my MSIT program. I’ll be opting out of the Database Mining (a solid resume building but personally uninteresting) class in order to pursue my own studies. My own studies in this case, will focus on human computer interaction, a mix of design, cognative psychology, and engineering.

Where I put my heart on the line is that I’ve asked Don Norman to be my advisor. He literally wrote the book on human computer interaction. Having Dr. Norman be your advisor for HCI would be like having Michael Phelps as your swim coach.

Unfortunately it turns out he’ll be retiring from Northwestern at the end of this academic year, which I imagine means he’s very busy not taking on the extra work of advising some dude who isn’t even in one of his programs. He also travels to University of California at San Diego often, and something tells me that he’s not spending much of the winter season in Chicagoland.

So I’m very anxious to hear back, which should happen this week. I might be playing the lottery here, and it’s going to suck if things don’t work out, but at least it won’t suck as much as the enevitible guilt of not trying.  Which is what the advice for job seekers and college applicants should be — “Don’t be a bitch.”

Here’s two subscriptions I’ve picked up recently:  

Vimeo – $60 a year for extra features, and the ability to upload up to 5GB of video a week. Vimeo > than youtube because there’s no cap on file size or length, whereas with youtube you’re limited to something like 1GB or 10 minutes, whichever comes frist.  I decided to go with this to suppliment my Kodak Zi8, as I plan to upload my class lectures here.  

Another guy in the class and I both had the idea at the same time, but this is the first time my two current professors have been recorded.  As IT Gurus, I could see their minds racing when I asked if I could put the files online.  One said it was okay, the other is thinking about it because he wants to write a book from his slides.  

One of the interesting things about the program is that it’s not really focused on using technology.  None of our classrooms are “smart” and they don’t demo or really talk about this program or that program.  It’s kind of a mishmash as the students are left to their own devices to solve problems and understand things the way they want.  About half the class doesn’t bring a laptop, and I’ll bet of the half that do, they don’t use it to take notes.  Maybe after working with technology all week, everyone is just like “Fuck that.”  

LogMeIn Pro^2 (squared?) – $12 a month for some cool dashboard features, FTP style transfer and music streaming.

I find myself not wanting to deal with multiple locations and desktops while I’m studying at Wai’s place, so I’ve decided to kind of use her barely capable computer as a thin client to my home computer.  

It’s actually not too bad, although I still do word processing and Excel on her computer.  The music streaming is pretty cool though, and after about 10 seconds of shaky buffering it’s solid.  In the future when she gets some kickass speakers, I look forward to streaming my music to her place while I’m there.

2008′s last minute employment rejection kick in junk left my balls aching as the calnder changed to 2009. I had just completed my first year in the service of the place I work, which meant I was eligible for a full ride for grad school.

The full ride was one of the reasons I chose to move back to Chicago and take the job. In fact, since leavingg UIUC, it had always been my goal to return to academia. But the reasons for doing so changed over the years.

Originally, I was motivated toy returning to life on campus. I thought I didn’t take much advantage of the culture and events that UIUC offered, but after getting out into the lonely working world, I realized that I missed the social atmosphere. Real life gym isn’t free, there isn’t a smattering of martial arts programs to choose from, and I can forget about getting hundreds of people together to go for the worlds largest pillowfight record.

What made matters worse for me is that I moved from Champaign to Berkely, where my friends in California were heavily involved in the school. They tried their best to incorporate me, but I was ultimately an outsider.

When Perry and Justin both decided to earn higher degrees, a different desire arose in me. Having gotten used to this new stage in my life, I yearned to move up. I wanted that same prestige. I wanted to have something more to show for myself.

It was this desire to not be left behind that ultimately made me choose accept the job in Chicago. They didn’t offer a signifcant increase in pay, an exciting culture, or a job that I wanted to do, but they did offer an open door to further education. Besides the free ride and no-commitment, the name would help me on my applications, and my position and title was a decent step up from what I was before.

But after moving back to Chicago some of my friends had graduated. Having faced the harsh realities of working life which are unknowable to college students and still living in the burbs, it was easier to create my own social circle. This completely erased any lingering need to be part of campus life, a conclusion which I think ends up being echoed by graduate students all around.

The side effect of friends and an environment I didn’t mind so much was that my desire for prestige changed to uncertainy and apathy; the pressure to get another degree behind name lessened. Originally I had sought an MBA, continuing my undergraduate degree in Business Administration. But many of the MBAs I knew did nothing with their degrees. Only ones from the top colleges in the nations seemed to hold decent positions, and those people were middle management dullards.

It was now the beginning of 2009. And the hit to my pride changed my mind yet again. After languishing in a position for a year where the only thing I learned was protocol and how to manage bureaucracy, it seemed like there was no way out. I wanted to learn and grow, more than anything, and the title and letters weren’t important. I needed to do it on my own.

Consequently I chose IT as my graduate field. Business was good, but I felt I wanted to do something more… tangible. Also, it was more me. It was a return to my nerd roots, and would play off my strengths and passions.

Two programs fit the bill. An MS at DePaul in Network Technology, and one at Northwestern in Information Technology. I was accepted into both and chose Northwestern. Partially because of the name, I’ll shamefully admit, but mostly because it threw in a little business with the engineering of IT. It was the reverse of my undergrad, which was mostly business and a little of IT.

From then on, I decided I would be multidisciplinary expert. Straight engineering bored me, but so did business. It was the combination that seemed to be my lot in life.

Leading up to 2009, I had wandered and wained. But if I had entered grad school any earlier, it probably would have been for the wrong reasons.